3) Patience (both yourself and your kids):-
The words I live by are:- "For some Patience is a gift, for others Patience is a task...But as a mother, Patience is a MUST!!!"
Some mothers have a natural gift of patience. They can breeze through any situation without blinking. I'm certainly not one of those. Always had a pretty short fuse. But fortunately, my first little bundle of joy was a completely hyperactive little ball of energy since the day of his birth!
So I had a lot of time to develop this thing called 'Patience'. My husband, however, is the walking definition of 'Patience'. So between my 'first born training period' and learning this trait of patience from my husband over the years; mostly by admiring the way he was able to tolerate me and my 'short fuse' over the years *lolz:p*, I was able to finally channel my hasty ways and learn to love motherhood for what it was. A chaotic, beautiful, mess of happiness". I love it!! I wouldn't have it any other way. Alhamdulillah!:)
Our lives with our little team of four kiddies has arrived at that wonderful point where at the end of everyday... and I mean EVERYDAY, the floor would look like a battle field with boy toys, cars, legos and cut piece of paper.
My husband and I would both just look at it and smirk at eachother....yes we were tired at the end of the day and just wanted to cat nap while the kids jumped around....but as our philosophy goes "If we don't clean it, we'll get buried in it!"
He would always tease me and say "Let's just leave it like that. You KNOW it's going to get the same way tomorrow". I just roll my eyes and he's chuckles mischeviously and goes off to get the vaccum to help me clean up.
Sometimes the kids see us cleaning and pitch in without even being told. Alhamdulillah...my eldest is usually the lego packer, my third is competitive in every possible way, so he jumps into 'help-mode' because he wants a piece of the "Well Done!!" from mummy and daddy after the job is done. My second son is the sweetest most quiet little thing, so he is usually sitting calmly in a corner colouring at that time and asking mummy and daddy every now and then to "Come see my beautiful red and green and blues and yellows. But not white mummy, I have no white today!!" *Aweeee*
And well my little one year old (baby #4), just walks around, will maybe throw a few blocks into the toy box to try and help, try to run away with one of my 2nd sons colours and hide in a corner, or maybe jump on daddy's back for a 'piggy-back ride' everytime daddy tries to reach a toy under the bed. He's at that entertaining age where everything he does is sooo cute, no matter how mischevious it is:p
So back to the point... PATIENCE... ;)
Patience is a trait we need to practice at home before attempting it in public. We need to look at stressful situations and just laugh about it. And after laughing, take a step back, breathe, and then think out a simple but strategic plan of dealing with it. Never react to a situation right away without thinking first; unless of course you have no choice and the situation requires hasty action.
Hasty action and NOT THINKING before acting are the leading causes of verbal, physical and emotional ABUSE of children and of our SPOUSES... So be mature...a flood of the toys is not as bad as having a kid with a terminal disease/illness. Chocolate Ice-cream spread accross your white bed sheet is not as difficult as having to watch your children sleep on dirt floors or on the streets. Patience in a way, is almost directly related to 'gratitude'... once we are able to fully appreciate the incredible blessings that children bring into our lives Inshaa Allah, then what we once thought of as the 'worst thing that could happen' is in reality yet another test of Our Lord that we MUST embrace, accept and endure with as much grace, patience and gratitue as possible INshaa Allah...
2) Dealing with Tantrums -
Now this is a particularly tricky one, because there are soooo many versions of tantrums. Some children go as far as holding their breath and losing consciousness. This seems impossible but I recently met a muslim sister who went through this incredibly mortifying experience a few times. She thought her child was dead laying there on the floor and I must say, I have NO IDEA what I would do if I were in that situation. But Alhamdulillah the kid seems to be growing out of it and I certainly do not wish this ordeal on anyone.
SO, that being said, consider yourself fortunate
if you are one of the everyday parents with a TODDLER that attempts to throw the 'usual tantrum'. These being, screaming, crying & protesting loudly, maybe dropping on the floor and not wanting to move, throwing things...just to cover a few.
Bear in mind that I said 'toddler'. Because it is at the toddler and under three age that all tantrum attempts most be put UNDER CONTROL. If we don't make up our minds to train our children before they start school, then this is going to open up a whole new world of panadol, therapy and STRESS for Mom and Dad. 1) SHARING -
Proper training starts at home....and teaching your kids to share with one another is an excellent way to start. If your children are able to share their toys with their siblings and work together, then this will help to eliminate several years of constant fighting, yelling and sibling jealous issues down the road. It will also prevent them clinging on to items in stores sreaming "Mine! Mine!! I want! I want!" because they have been trained at home to share and not fight over toys and things. Once mummy says "No! It's his turn to use it now", then that would be established as the final word on the matter. So when out in public, all you have to say is, "No sorry, that toy belongs to the sales lady, so we can't carry it home". Now, being realistic, they are children....so they are not going to want to share everything....they are going to have their special toys that they just can't let go of. There is leeway there. Particularly when they got a new toy that day, or have a lolly pop in their mouth or are building something that only one kid can do at a time...Obviously, at these times we don't force them to share because this will hinder their personal development and ability to enjoy these little thrills fully. What you can do however is if one kid comes home from grandpa with a baggy of treats, you simply say "Oh nice snacks! Do they taste nice?? Do you think you little brother or big brother might like how it tastes too? YOu would be such a good boy/girl if you give brother/sister one. That would make brother so happy don't you think!? :)!" Smile and sound really excited about that idea and because most children will naturally do anything to make mummy and daddy proud of them, they will most likely share out the sweets equally on their own. If not, and you have a really independant little kid who just dances to his own beat no matter what anyone thinks, then you need to explain and state frankly, that "we must always share with our brothers/sisters. If you have two, then one is for you and one is for brother. If you are finished with your toy, then let brother have a chance so brother can be happy too for a while." Kids who are independant, entertaining and cute little wrebbles usually like things explained to them and are usually very 'quick'. They usually give into the suggestion once it makes sense. So don't hesitate to explain 'why' they need to share. 2) LOOK AWAY
- I'm a firm believer in nipping things in the bud. So as soon as your toddler attempts a tantrum, just look away...maybe evenw alk awaya nd pretend you don't see a thing. He will stop crying eventually and wonder why you can't hear him. When that happens, turn around smiling at him and change the topic. Point up in the sky or at the roof and say "Look!!! Is that plane or a cloud?!!?" or "Is that a bug or a spot on the ceiling?" and then pick them up and continue the conversation and make them forget what they were crying about. If they start crying again, do the same thing, put them down in the same corner and walk/turn away. When they stop, do the same as before (change the topic and loook happy)... They need to be thought that throwing tantrums has absolutely no effect on you. It doesn't bother you and will not impact on your decisions at all. ONce you allow tantrums to get out of control, it is very very difficult to break that habit. Your kids will walk all over you and will be impossible to carry out in public....So, INshaa Allah, a little patience and consistancy in the beginning goes a long way towards helping you to keep your sanity down the road;)
1)Your confidence in yourself as a parent:-
Although the link I've attached to this point is pretty self explanatory, there are still a few tid-bits worth mentioning. To put it simply... "how do we as parents expect our children to obey, respect and have confidence in us, if we have no confidence in ourselves as parents."
For every new mom, parhaps one of the most akward transitions you can make infront of your own parents is the act of becoming a parent yourselves. We tend to have all these 'ideas' and 'missions' growing up. "Oh I'll never dress as funny as my mom did!" or "I'll never be as strict as my mom with my kids. I'll be more fun!" or "I'll never make my poor baby girls wear those aweful scratchy frilly socks I had to wear". And when the bomb drops, and we become moms ourselves, all these 'ambitions' become so silly, and we now become mature functional adults by force. We inevitably turn into our parents. We now understand why mom wore those funny long maybe rainbow coloured 'dashiki' looking gowns at home, it's because they really are comfortable and when you're a mom 'comfortable' is always more appealing than 'stylish'. You also now understand why mom seemed so strict at times. It's because she loved you and wanted you to turn into the best person that you could be. You now understand why she didn't want mud pies in the house! I mean it seemed like a good idea to you at 4 or 5 years old, but who do you think had to clean up the mess afterwards?
So the point being made here, is that yes we all start off with this aim to be the perfect mom, but many of us tend to 'chicken out' when we realise just how amazing our own mom really was. It's only after you have your own child that you truly appreciated everything that your own mom did for you. And while this is wonderful and a blessing from Allah(Swt), it is also the point at which you as the new mom have to make a decision! Are you going to:-
1) Follow your instincts and try to be the great mom to your kids that your mom was to you INshaa Allah?
2) OR just ask your mom what to do on everything regarding the new baby and let her make all the important decisions?
Too many moms these days fall into category TWO
and they lose that ability to follow their maternal instincts. So much so, that 'grandma' has to take over! Grandma now becomes the primary caregiver to her new grandchild and you just wallow there thinking 'I can't manage these kids on my own!! What will I do without my mom?!!?!'. You tend to lose respect and confidence in yourself and then it reflects in all aspects of motherhood. And worse yet, your children have no respect for you either because you project yourself as a 'push-over' essentially. Trust me when I say that children know how to detect 'push-overs'. We should always project ourselves to our children and strong-minded, independant and ambitious adults. Every mother should be a role model to her daughters INshaa Allah and the same particularly goes for sons and fathers....Be a fun quacky mom, but also be a no-nonesense mummy! Have balance within the home. Don't allow the words of others to affect your confidence in yourself as a mother Inshaa Allah. Make dua to Allah(swt) to give you the strength you need to take care of your children and to raise them as strong minded and God-fearing Muslims.
This is probebly the most dreded topic for parents. Going out and running errands with the kids. It probebly gets a little easier as the kids grow older, but what about shopping with three or four toddlers? Sounds like chaos right?
I certainly won't disagree with most parents, that taking the kids out in public is certainly challenging at times. Especially when they are cranky!!! But going out as a family is to important to the recreational, emotional and general health of family life to be avoided all together...Don't believe all the horror stories you hear ;)
HOwever, the initial training at home is soooo very important and certain areas must never be ignored and taken for granted. These are:-1) Your confidence in yourself as a parent
2) Dealing with Tantrums
3) Patience - both yourself and your kids.
I will ellaborate on each point shortly. Keep checking back! In the meanwhile, I've attached links to each point, so be sure to check them out for tips Inshaa Allah...
Assalamu Aliakum my Sisters in Islam...
Do no be afraid of having a large family and many children. If Allah(swt) blesses you with this or makes this possible for you to achieve, do not shun it...:(
It is a blessing from your Lord and as a woman, it is also one of the greatest most noble contributions you can make to the ummah...
A woman holds such a high status in Islam because of her ability to bear children and the pains she goes through to accomplish this amazing and incredible task. So much so that if a women dies during childbirth she is immediately granted jannah. So elevated is the status of a pregnant women.... so blessed she is to even be able to concieve a child by Allah's will....
DO NOT allow the western world to alter your perception of childbirth and raising a family. It is the most beautiful thing you can do with your life...it is not just a duty...it is an honour to be bestowed this duty by our Lord....;)
"Marry the child-bearing, loving women for I shall outnumber the peoples by you on the Day of Resurrection .” (Recorded by ibn Hibban, Ahmed, al- Tabarani and others. Without the words ‘’the Day of Resurrection,’’ it is also narrated by Abu Dawud and Nasai According to al- Albani , it is authentic due to its supporting chains. Muhammed Nasir al-Din al –Albani, Irwa al- Ghaleel fi Takhreej Ahadeeth manaar al-Sabeel (Beirut: al- Maktab al- Islami, 1979), Vol.6, P. 195.)
"Kill not your children because of poverty - We provide sustenance for you and for them" [Noble Quran 6:151]
Allah(Swt) has promised sustanance for both us and our offspring, It is right there in the Qur'an. Have faith in Him and His decree. Have faith in His words. Have faith in His promise...